Genderswap - Where I'm going and random snip

[thecatevari]

So, after the comments I got from mickeym and technosage, I realized that I really haven't been thinking about the ending of Girl in the World and I really had no idea what I was working toward. So then, being me, the boys in the back started thinking about it.

So I'm thinking that it goes on for a long time. Long enough that they're losing hope, long enough that Dean thinks he's never going to change back, that he's stuck like this forever. They don't even know WHY this happened to Dean, let alone how to change him back. Dean's getting more despondent about it. I think he probably even tries to commit suicide. I think it's a half hearted attempt; he probably even calls Sam for help or something. But it's enough to scare the shit out of Sam. Not too long after this, Dean gets pregnant. It's an accident (or maybe Sam engineers it, hoping to give Dean a better reason to stick around?) and Dean freaks out. Because what if whatever did this to him ends NOW? What happens to the baby if he changes back? He spends months in a panic, scared he's going to change back at any moment. It puts a tremendous amount of stress on him and the baby; he ends up having it months premature. But Dean lives and the baby lives and some time after the baby gets out of NICU, Dean spontaneously changes back (maybe as long as a year later? Not sure). In any case, I need to make it clear it's not about the pregnancy, it's about DEAN and the change inside him after having spent this time as a woman and becoming a parent and wanting this kid more than anything in the world.

So then, after kind of thinking up all of that, this is what resulted:

"I can't protect you like this, man." Dean lifts his hand from the blanket, wincing as the tendons shift. A moment later, his arm falls limply, fingers spreading. The nails look white, bloodless. Sam doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't want to think about any of it. Except that hasn't done him a whole lot of good so far and Dean almost died because of it. "I'm too short, too weak…"

"Dean, you're not weak…"

Dean lifts his head from the pillow, the first bit of life blazing in his eyes. "Weak enough, man. Even you could take me down, like this." Sam's chin comes up but he ignores the jab. "I can't do the job like this. I'm a liability."

"That's bullshit." Sam's fist slams into the nightstand, making Dean jump and flinch away. "That's bullshit, Dean and Jo would be the first fucking person to tell you so."

Dean cuts his eyes and sucks his teeth, looking away from Sam. "Jo…"

"Yes, Jo. You've got fifty, sixty pounds on her and almost a decade more experience." Sam fists his hands at his side to keep from poking Dean in the shoulder. "You're…you're the best goddamn hunter I know, Dean." Sam's voice trembles, he hears it start to break and he swallows hard several times, trying to wrestle it back under control. "You don't get to check out on me like that." This time he does grab Dean, careful to do it above the bandage but not so careful that Dean can't feel it. "Do you hear me, Dean? You dragged me back into this life, you brought me back…you don't get to just leave. Do. You. Hear. Me?"

Dean's eyes flash again, this time hateful. "Yes," he answers, voice thin and overexaggerated. "I hear you."

His hand is shaking; it's getting worse by the second. Sam jerks it back, fists it again. It doesn't really help, the trembling's still inside him, shaking pieces loose, leaving crumbled up bits behind. "I want you to promise, Dean. I… I need you to promise. I swear I'll find a way to change you back. You just can't. You can't die on me, Dean. I don't care if it's fair or not, you promise me, you promise me"

Dean's mouth crooks, an ugly, jagged line, and when he closes his eyes, the lashes turn dark, glued into clumps by wetness. "I promise," he says, tone dull and washed out as his skin.

Comments

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Sweetheart, you and I have got to stop sharing a brain, for real. The dean-turns-into-a-girl-and-pregnancy-ensues story I have started (gathering dust on my hard drive, as it were) is different than this one, yes, but it freaks me out a little that we both go there. And mine's not so much about the pregnancy either, though kind of it is, and for much different reasons.

I like the direction(s) you're looking at, that you're taking this story in. I don't know if I see Dean as suicidal, per se, but I do believe that when things spin out of his personal bubble of control (as we see when Sam dies at the end of AHBL1) he tends to act first and think later. Or maybe...not even that so much as act while thinking with his heart. So I could buy the 'half-hearted' attempt in that manner--thinking with his heart, rather than his head, though that tactic seldom works for most of us in the situations in which we employ it.

Do you think Sam would engineer such a thing, knowing how fragile Dean is, in this state? I could much more easily see it happening as happens so often--the condom breaks, or they forget, or something. An accident. That kind of makes it that much more realistic. Or maybe...Dean doesn't menstruate (there's a sentence for you!) regularly, and they think he's sterile? Or they're TOLD he's sterile--visit to a doctor for something, maybe horrific cramping or the like? I dunno, just talking out loud here. Feel free to shoo me away :)

[poisontaster]

First pegging and now genderswap pregnancy...our shared brain is a very strange place, hon. :)

The suicidal part gives me pause too. I don't really think of Dean like THAT and it's really difficult for me to think of him that way. I really hate the stories that turn him and Sam into emo cutters or suicidal freaks; it's so VERY opposed to how I think of the boys and the kind of people I think they are.

On the other hand, I can see Dean getting DRIVEN to this point like a lot of actual transsexuals, where you're stuck in the WRONG gender and you can't get people to see you for who you REALLY are and there's no way he's going to do something like surgery or hormones, even if they could afford them, which they can't. He's never going to get his COCK back. And I could see a kind of despair taking over him at the prospect of being trapped in a woman's body for the rest of his life, unable to protect Sam or even back Sam up properly. And he knows Sam will never walk away from him. He'll keep hauling Dean around with him and carrying more than his share of the weight until it gets him killed...and I can see Dean not wanting to contribute to that. And deciding that the only way out is to check out.

As for the pregnancy sabotage...yeah, I'm not sure about that either. I can kind of wank it in my head: Sam is desperate for any way to hold onto Dean he can. He's terrified Dean will try to kill himself or try to leave in some other way. He knows Dean loves kids.

*sighs* But then I get to the other side of it: Sam's ethics, his unwillingness to drag a child into their lifestyle... So I don't know. It depends on how frantic Sam is at the time I write it. I think Sam CAN be ruthless and less ethical when he's scared and desperate, but I don't know. My main issue is that the condom breaking seems like such a cliche thing to do and I can't see Sam, at the very least, not being careful because of the possibility.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

First pegging and now genderswap pregnancy...our shared brain is a very strange place, hon. :)

PLEASE don't tell me this surprises you? *g* But truly, I can't think of a more fabulous person to share with! *smooch*

can see Dean getting DRIVEN to this point like a lot of actual transsexuals, where you're stuck in the WRONG gender and you can't get people to see you for who you REALLY are

Okay, phrased like that, yeah. I could see him, as he loses hope to become himself again, turning darker inward and considering suicide, because he won't saddle Sam with the additional burden. That would make for one HELL of a blow-out fight, though--especially if you put this, timeline-wise, post-S2. (Assuming you do, and don't make an a/u timeline, I'm going to go with this happening after Sam breaks the deal with the Demon.)

Although...y'know. Consider this: they don't know why/how/what caused the change. Maybe this is related to that in some way, to Sam breaking the deal; or to Dean's soul. The Demon -- all the demons they've dealt with in S2 -- knows Dean's weaknesses and preys on them; in a way, *Dean* is his own greatest weakness. Losing who he is would be (to him, I think) worse than death.

Did any of that make sense? I hope?

The condom breaking is cliched, yes. So...Dean's on the pill? It doesn't work for everyone. I've met people it didn't work for. Or, they think Dean's sterile. Why assume all parts are fully-functioning?

[poisontaster]

Oh Sweet Jesus. Now I AM really scared, because I was thinking of something almost EXACTLY like this: Maybe this is related to that in some way, to Sam breaking the deal; or to Dean's soul.

I hadn't really gotten past the "maybe it has something to do with Sam breaking the deal" part, but I was thinking the EXACT SAME THING.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Well, okay, yes. That is kind of (REALLY REALLY REALLY) freaky. Odd. Something. *g* The icon? Works really well *g*

Maybe it shouldn't? I mean, I dunno--when you think about it, it doesn't seem like such a far step from *this* to *that*:

Demon knows Dean's weaknesses.
Sam pisses off the Demon.
Demon takes her revenge in a way that technically doesn't compromise HER, because she didn't actually kill Dean/take his soul, therefore she's not culpable.

Seems logical to me. And to you, apparently *g*

I think I'm going to go find a cold diet pepsi ;)