thecatevari | Stargate Atlantis Idea of CRACK! (Ronon/Atlantis) (Reply)

I don't know how this happens. But... *sighs*

mona1347:I SUCK ficwise these days but SOMEDAY either myself or PT or some combination of both of us will write a fic where Ronon is very very slutty all over Atlantis? Does that help? Really really slutty. Like fucking EVERYONE EVER because it was fully 7 years and Satedans are conveniently lacking many sexual taboos. Random older scientist woman. Random female marine. Random male marine. Another random scientist, young dude this time. Etc etc.

And then The Team finds out about Ronon being the city bicycle or has to deal with it or somesuchshit and Ronon's all "*bites into something that's food* What?" because people just keep throwing themselves at him and what's he gonna do, SAY NO?! He's not STUPID.

OH OH. We need to somehow work in a way for him to sex up Atlantis herself. Some sort of glowy orb room? Ronon murmuring softly and petting the walls and then claiming that "she likes it" and "it's not like he rubbed his dick on the walls or anything...that would be unhygienic"? John being COMPLETELY HORRIFIED because Atlantis is HIS Sapient Alien City Girlfriend goddammit and what's she doing throwing herself at the New Guy like a big giant metropolitan ho?

*must go talk to PT about this*

poisontaster:Actually, I'm thinking we can tie this to some kind of Spring Rite type of deal, you know? Like Atlantis NEEDS to be serviced every so often, you know? Because she's a living thing and living things need sex too, dammit.

So like, it's the time and Atlantis is being cranky and recalcitrant because she hasn't GOTTEN ANY in ten THOUSAND YEARS and finally Rodney's like 'Well, it seems like there's this ritual that the ancients used to perform and blah blah science talk..."

And there's silence for a while and then John's like, "Rodney? Are you telling us Atlantis needs to get LAID?"

And Rodney starts sputtering "well, not in so many... You have to understand that the quantum... *sighs* Yes. Okay? Yes, Atlantis need to get laid, OKAY?"

And there's more sitting and thinking and being quiet and finally Ronon's like "I'll do it."

mona1347:OMG YES. *grabs your face in both hands and kisses you full on the mouth* You're so PRETTY, ficwife.

Because what's the point writing fic in any SG fandom if you can't throw in a Spring Rite here and there. And ten thousand years is a DAMN FUCKING LONG TIME and the last thing our pretty, intrepid space explorers need on their hands is a cranky, hard up Atlantis.

And there's more sitting and thinking and being quiet and finally Ronon's like "I'll do it."

And Rodney throws up his hands, all, "Of COURSE you want to do it. Atlantis is the only semi-sentient being on this ENTIRE PLANET that you HAVEN'T mated with."

And Ronon is all calm and unflapped and, "Don't be jealous, McKay. Sheppard told me it was against your weird Earth regs to fuck my teammates. It's not personal." Because Ronon can't help it if his milkshake brings all the carbon life forms to the yard.

And then McKay flaps and sputters a lot and John's face goes tomato-red and Elizabeth snorfs tea out of her nose and Teyla raises the eyebrow raise of "I am surrounded by preadolescent-brained idiots" because that's what Teyla DOES.

poisontaster:And then afterwards, everything is going great except John's all pissed off and surly and Rodney's like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Crisis averted! Atlantis back to normal....no, actually BETTER than normal; systems are performing as much as thirty percent better than they were BEFORE Ronon did his...thing."

And John is like "Rodney. You don't get it, do you?"

And Rodney's: "Get what?"

John: *sigh* "Rodney. Ronon just laid A WHOLE CITY. And left it VERY SATISFIED. What do you think that means for the rest of us?"

And Rodney's like, "Oh. OH." And then he thinks about it some more. And he's like, "But you still have ME."

And John's like. "Yeah, I guess that's true. I just wish Atlantis would stop HUMMING."

OMG MAKE THE CRACK STOP.

mona1347:And Rodney's like, "Did you tell Ronon that whole fucking teammates thing was uncool to keep him from trying to fuck YOU or ME?" And John goes, "Firstly, I did not think that he'd take that as permission to fuck anyone who WASN'T his teammate and secondly, *shifty eyes* Um. Is that a trick question? If I say 'me' then I don't care if you fuck Ronon and if I say 'you' then *I* have...designs on Ronon and isn't the whole thing with fucking boys about avoiding this kind of girly verbal trap?"

And Rodney's all, "..." and then "You mean we can't fuck Ronon? You know...together?"

And then John's all "..."

And Rodney's like "SATISFIED A WHOLE ENTIRE CITY and also have you LOOKED at him?! and I find the humming kind of pleasant."

Oh and also John says something like, "And Atlantis used to... *digs toe* like ME best."

Rodney: "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE JEALOUS. Of RONON. You PERV." the last bit said with a kind of intrigued awe.

poisontaster:And John's like "LAID AN ENTIRE CITY, Rodney."

Rodney: "Well. Yes, but if you'd volunteered, I'm sure Atlantis would have been just as satis...MORE. MORE SATISFIED."

And John puts his face in his hands. Then Rodney gets pissy. "Look, I can't help you with your sexual prowess issues if you don't give me some kind of idea what you're looking for here, because in case you hadn't noticed, I'm NOT the consoling type!"

John: "I don't HAVE sexual prowess issues!"

Rodney: "ORLY? Because *I'm* not the one that makes YOU call ME..."

John: *hands up* "Okay, okay! I think this might be a discussion for another time. You know, like when we're NOT in the CAFETERIA?"