Argh. Okay, so this is my first pass at the Jensen/Jeff in the fuselage sex scene for the RTS remake. It is broken and patchy and there's a gap in the middle. Does anyone know if it should be keys of drugs or kis?

Oh, God, he's not nearly high enough for this. )
Okay. So. Any of you who are interested in being UTTERLY SPOILED for the Romancing the Stone AU, but are ALSO interested in helping me poke holes and making sure that all this actually MAKES SENSE, plse to be reading the following:

I was going to write Jensen as a Broadway actor in New York, but that doesn't really work with whoever I get to be Juan the Bellmaker; so I think Jensen's going to end up more of a struggling LA actor. He's done some turns in some low-budget movies (like House of Wax type stuff), which is where [Juan] has seen him, but nothing really BIG. Maybe some bit parts in some high-profile action stuff too. At [Juan's], Jensen kind of shamefacedly admits to Jeff that it pays the bills, but he's really trying to get into something better, more serious. (Maybe a flashback where Jared or someone tells him that all he does is work and rehearse for work?)

The Welling=Eduardo (Elaine's husband)/Ira
Chad=Captain Zolo
Allison=Joan's agent.

The Outline (now with more rambling!) )
Well. Now, after doing the Winsister poll, Kink has been typically "helpful" (in his inimitable style) and said "Hey. I bet you we could make it ALL work."

And here's how. (Need I say this is spoilery...if I write this story?) )
Another piece of Save As, the Die Hard Epic O' Doom. *sighs* It's my own fault for putting DH2 in the TiVo, I know it. This happens just after John, Holly and kids find out about the hostage situation.

Read more... )
So while I was in Chicago, I begged La Muse for some prose and, in typical fashion, he a manner of speaking, namely, with 1200 words of something that I had/have no intention of working on right now, rather than the million and one things I need to be working on RIGHT NOW. Oh, Kink. If I didn't love and need you so much, I would SO have you racked and quartered. *sighs*

Anyway. This is a piece of the Die Hard 4 epic that I'm DEFINITELY NOT working on right now, the one that picks up after "All I Want For Christmas". Reference mark here. This is Lucy and John's initial heart to heart.

Read more... )
So, this is the re-edit and expansion of the Sam/Girl!Dean sex scene from here. It's posted in its entirety, so you don't have to go back and check the old entry. I think...I think I feel better about it. I worry that the sex is too fast, but otherwise I think it's fairly solid. I hope so, anyway.

I want to try again. )
More of the genderswitch/swap/fuck...whatever. In theory, this happens IMMEDIATELY after the first, disasterous attempt at fucking.

I'm very iffy about this. I don't know if it's too soon, I don't know if the Dean from the previous scene would be able to relax to this degree. I'm not sure about the tension and pacing. I'm worried that it's coming off as too non-con. I'm worried about the transiton from oral to fucking. I don't know if the scene break works, giving me the reset to have that transition more smoothly or whether it just breaks the tension too much and I should stay in Sam's POV the whole time. I don't know if it makes sense for Sam. Clearly, I just don't know.

I think...I think there's something here about Sam and how, despite his best intentions, some of his perception of Dean DOES shift because he looks at him and sees a woman. And how the reality of his viewpoint alters the emotional viewpoint, bringing out this even more tangible desire to protect. To be chivalrous. And, to some extent, because Sam is allowed to have internalized skanky issues like the rest of us, how much that chivalry lends itself to a certain amount of chauvinism. I see Sam as kind of...controlling here. And I don't think it crosses the line. I hope not, anyway, but at the same time, i think Sam does have this incompletely hidden need to assert some control over the situation and it translates itself to having a certain measure of control over Dean. I think there's a lot of alpha male possessiveness coming to the fore because it's not just women looking at Dean, which are less competition, it's guys. And they're not being particularly respectful or subtle about it and in that respect, Dean was always SAM'S. And he can see Dean feeling vulnerable and frustrated and uncomfortable, but he can't change the nature of mankind. All he can do is offer the typical protection of 'This woman is marked, this woman is taken", like dogs pissing on a hydrant.

I also, if I stick with Dean's POV in the second half, want to play up more how he doesn't like it and he does. It's pleasurable but at the same time, he feels a kind of guilt about it. These aren't his parts, he's not supposed to be feeling pleasure with them (and beneath that, a subconscious layer of IF I feel pleasure with these girl parts, I may never get my boy parts back) and yet, he very much IS feeling pleasure. And there's a dirtiness to it that I want to express more fully. It feels wrong and weird...but it's also the wrong and weird that's getting him off.

Read more... )
Is it possible to strangle one's own muse? I might be willing to give it a try.

So. Another in the long list of Things Wot I Cannot Write Right Now:

Die Hard. Sequel to all the other fics. Ever since I finished All I Want For Christmas, I've been thinking about several different things. First of all, I've been noticing how much Holly is a thread through all of this; how much she still influences John, how much he's still tied to her, even though the marriage is over. And that leads me thinking to Holly and Lucy (and to a lesser extent Jack, since we don't really know ANYTHING about Jack...though APPARENTLY, Matt's character was originally supposed to be Jack, Interesting and pervy.) and specifically, John's family finding out that Dad is suddenly fucking around with this hacker DUDE that he saved a year and a half ago. One that Lucy dated, however briefly. And so I was thinking about how that would go and how it would be, potentially, a really big problem.

Read more... )
Okay. So this is the same scene as yesterday, but with the end filled out and moving into the next scene, wherein The Boys Go Shopping For Tampons. I don't know. I worry that it's too flip. But I can't help it. Boys and tampons are inherently funny. I'm also not sure about Sam using a certain word. This is the problem with not writing linearly; I don't know where the edges are going to smooth together. I think the funny parts are necessary to both highlight the angst and I think/hope their relieve the angst, give a little breathing space between the next hit. I really want to show how Dean tries to roll with (or cope with) each successive "problem", only to be hit by the next. That'll be key to selling his mental decline.

These sound like a man's tampon. )
I've had this scene in my mind for a few days. As usual, I'm really iffy about it, but I think the general gist is here. This is another of those parts that I find laugh out loud funny at the same time that it breaks my heart. Super rough and incomplete.

You broke my cunt. )
HOLY CRAP, I DID IT! I mean, of course, the story isn't finished, but I did it! I wrote 50,000 in thirty days. I didn't fail! I mean, don't get me wrong. I really don't think that my entire being would have been invalidated if I hadn't finished NaNo this year, but sometimes you just have something to PROVE. To yourself, to the world. I still have so much anger and so much unresolved emotional baggage about this year. Anger as much about what the doctors did to me as much as the cancer. And along with my "normal" body and "normal" life, I've been struggling really hard just to get my MIND back. Chemotherapy stole my memory a lot of days. It stole my creativity. It made producing a dozen words agony, let alone 50,000. And I just...I couldn't wallow, you know? I had to focus on getting through it, making do, looking forward, looking up. So I forced myself to write and I forced myself to not let this beat me down. And part of that, part of the stuff I needed to get through and to to get back to normal was Nano. I'd done it for the last two years and I'd WON for the last two years and losing this year... It just would've been a big disappointment. Because then it would be The Year I Had Cancer AND Failed Nano.

But I didn't fail. I didn't finish, but I didn't fail. And that's all right. That's mighty damn good. It's kind of making me rewrite my plans for December (omg, it's going to be crazy), but it's good. I'd even venture so far as to say it's great.

Official NaNoWriMo 2007 Winner

50,241 / 50,000 words. 100% done!

Today's Word Count: 4,049
Current Total Word Count: 50,241
Estimated Total Word Count: ~125,000
What's bad: Dead Man's Blood. Man. Seriously. If it was not for the fact that I NEED the Colt, I would've blown this episode off. The thing that I find really amusing and interesting about writing this is that I tend to watch episodes with a pretty high Willing Suspension of Disbelief. But when I'm trying to make sense of the episode for narrative purpose, some of this stuff is just KILLING ME. Skin. OMG, I love Skin, it's one of my favorite episodes, but trying to "fix" Skin almost broke me. Hopefully I did some good things with Dead Man's Blood. The other "bad" thing (for a given value of bad) is the family dynamics. In my mind, there was supposed to be a lot more...resentment, suspicion and misunderstanding and instead the Winchesters are banding together against all external threats and I don't know if I'm going to be able to sell the ending if they keep this crap up, dammit. STOP BEING SO HARMONIOUS!
What's good: Watching the Winchesters band together against all external threats. Also, I like the way Mary handled the vamps a HELL of a lot better than the way John did. There's a reason John was a sniper and that's trufax.
What pleases me: Sam tries to guide Dean into the back seat and Dean balks.

"No way am I sitting in the back seat, dude," Dean says indignantly, pushing back against Sam's insistent hands.


"I'm the oldest, I get the front!"

"You're concussed."

"Even concussed, I'm still the oldest."

It's Sam's turn to sigh. "My legs are longer."

"Yes, but they're not
older," Dean says with incontrovertible logic.

Previous parts can be found here

I'm bigger than you," Sam points out. "And taller. )
OMG, I could conceivably DO THIS! I mean, I've hit up against the ironclad realization that there is NO WAY I will finish the whole story within 100,000 words (because I'm LAME like that), but with some real EFFORT tomorrow, I WILL finish NaNo, and although I have every intention of finishing the overall story, finishing NaNo is really the important part to me. The part that proves the cancer didn't beat me this year.

46,208 / 50,000 words. 92% done!

Today's Word Count: 6,070...or something like that.
Current Total Word Count: 46,208
Estimated Total Word Count: ~125,000 *cries*
What's bad: I'm going to focus on the positive and say there IS no bad here! But ask me tomorrow how much the first ten minutes of Dead Man's Blood SUCK in terms of plot holes you could drive a network through. OMG.
What's good: First of all, the incredible support I've gotten from family and friends. It's a little too soon for me to be composing my speech to the Academy and all, but I really needed a little propping up in the past couple days and y'all have come through in spades. I feel very much that I haven't been holding up my end of friendship lately and that makes it all the more amazing and humbling that y'all have come through for me. Thank you.
What pleases me: Bobby Singer is…problematic.

That's the only word that comes to mind when she thinks about it. Correction: when she
allows herself to think about it, and that isn't often.

Once—and only once—she let herself wonder what it would've been like, if she'd met Bobby first. If they would've liked each other a little bit before she met John and lost John and changed. She doesn't know.

Everything about her is now colored by John; what John gave her, what John
made her, by a love John birthed in her that now seems almost like a fairy-tale she told the boys to make them be still and sleep. The thought of being someone else, someone who never had that gorgeous oasis of peace and time and love…

Her imagination has never been that good, to conjecture something so unfathomable.

Still, she and Bobby had slept together a few times. Before she realized he's sweet on her and never again after, because she's a cold-hearted bitch but she's not heart
less and Bobby's been nothing but good to her and good for her and he deserves a lot better than an IOU she can't deliver on for a heart no longer in her possession.

Previous parts can be found here

Sucks to be the youngest. )
Well, I don't think I'm going to make it, but that doesn't mean I'm going to quit. It's frustrating. I'm not panicky, I'm not depressed about it, but I am disappointed. I had--have--things at stake in my psyche for doing NaNo this year and it's disappointing if I don't make it. I know you'll tell me to be kind to myself, that there were and are mitigating factors...and this is all true. But that's exactly WHY I wanted to do it this year. So let's just see what the next couple days bring. I don't have to work Friday...maybe I can make a miracle.

40,138 / 50,000 words. 80% done!

Today's Word Count: 1,783
Current Total Word Count: 40,138
Estimated Total Word Count: ~100,000
What's bad: Well, my word count, obviously. I got derailed in a big way between the new job and Thanksgiving and I just don't know if I can recoup. If I can, it won't be tonight.
What's good: I really love this story and--for all its deplorable lack of smut, I do think it's a good story to tell.
What pleases me: Dean doesn't really know a lot about demons. From what his mom always said, actual demon possession is pretty rare and on the occasions that they heard of one, his mother had always steered clear, a restriction that's laughably clearer to him now. What he does know of demon lore is conflicting—what they are, what they can do, their powers. So Dean's not sure how much of what happened to him was an evil dream, cast into his head by the demon and how much was real.

He hurts, but not as much—he imagines—as he would if the demon had really peeled his skin back like a grape's to expose the muscles, tendons and blood vessels. His body isn't burned, melted, seared, the sweet-horrible reek of it something that exists only in his mind. He has both his eyes, his tongue, his testicles, the phantoms of pain that lingers in them only that—ghosts. His memories of them being smashed and torn away from his body have no physical anchor, nothing to say
this really happened.

Dean picks up a corner of the blanket and scrubs his skin hard, the dull pain of abrasion better than the memory of agonies he can't do anything about.

Previous parts can be found here

Yeah. That hurts. )
Random notes from emals betwixt myself, [ profile] nymeria and [ profile] mona1347. No organization applied.

This won't make sense to anyone but me )
Woot! Another chapter down. One more actual "episode" and then I'm in 100% AU territory, instead of just skirting its shores.

37,051 / 50,000 words. 74% done!

Today's Word Count: 3,000
Current Total Word Count: 37,051
Estimated Total Word Count: ~100,000
What's bad: I'm at that point where I'm starting to question whether I'm going to be able to get this done in 100,000 words. I'm 37,000 in and I haven't done Dead Man's Blood or the denouement. I'm also at the Sloughs of Despair part where I'm convinced it's all dreck, I'm a hack and no one's going to read this anyway, after all this work. That's not a plea for reassurance. It's just the process. And my fear, don't get me wrong, but I'm always like this at this stage, too close to see if it's any good or not.
What's good: The Sam & Mary continues to be golden and I love the pivot of Mary's feelings about Max Miller. Of all the special kids, I think I felt the worst for him, poor thing. Word count's good too; I think that covers my deficit from before. Nineteen days in and I'm sitting kinda pretty.
What pleases me: "Look," Sam says in a soothing voice, "I don't know…I don't know what it was like with you. I know I can't even imagine what it was like for you growing up like you did…"

Mary recognizes the bitter satisfaction that goes across Max's face, the perverse pride of knowing no one else's misfortunes outweigh yours. The familiarity takes her by the throat, a taste like bile in the back of her mouth.

"I couldn't tell anybody, when my visions started. Not my girl, not my mom, not my…my brother." Mary hears the catch in Sam's voice and has to look away, the sourness of her mouth worsening. She looks past the two boys to Hannah Miller, still flattened to the wall. Mary catches the other woman's gaze, reading the mingled terror and guilt. Mary's anger is quick to follow, burning up through her whole body to warm her through. Jennifer McCoy had risked her life and died to keep her son safe and out of the hands of the Aunts and this woman couldn't even protect Max from his father and uncle. She puts her anger aside, out of place and useless to her in this situation and signals with her eyes, indicating that Hannah should edge sideways, toward the door behind her and to her right. Hannah's eyes flick in that direction without comprehension and then back to Mary's.

"…but I know what it's like to be different," Sam continues in that same even, earnest voice. "To be afraid of it. To hate it. To want more than anything to be like the kids you see on the street, the ones you go to school with; the ones that don't even know how good they got it."

"Yeah," Max mutters, half under his breath.

Previous parts can be found here

I know what it's like to be different. )
I don't really have any clever words today.

34,051 / 50,000 words. 68% done!

Today's Word Count: 2,223
Current Total Word Count: 34,051
Estimated Total Word Count: ~100,000
What's bad: I didn't make word count yesterday, so this is really a combination of two days of work. Not so great. Also, it's the part where information is starting to come out and that's always like pulling teeth, trying to decide how much to tell and when. And really, trying to figure out how much Mary knows.
What's good: The Sam and Mary is excellent. Their relationship has changed so much over the course of the story and although Sam still has issues, he understands Mary and their situation so much better than he did before.
What pleases me: Of course, she would say she understood her family long before she knew about them. And that was true and it wasn't true. She didn't need the details to know there was darkness at the root of her family tree; a rot that poisoned the furthest branches and contaminated the earth around it. Even at her most appallingly naïve, she knew that. But in ferreting out the details, in having to dig through the decades—centuries—of incompletely hidden bones and enough blood to salt the ocean…she understands the depth and breadth of that darkness and that there's nothing in her that will ever let her plumb the whole. She knows exactly how ruthless—and how banal—evil can be

Previous parts can be found here

You want to tell me what all this is about? )
Today was a good day! I got a job, I got a super late start on Nano, and I still made my word count for the day. Of course, there was the NERVOUS BREAKDOWN OF DOOM on the phone with my mother this morning (she's fine, it was all about me), but considering how the afternoon turned out, I'm choosing to call it a win. So say we all.

31,828 / 50,000 words. 64% done!

Today's Word Count: 2,025
Current Total Word Count: 31,828
Estimated Total Word Count: ~100,000
What's bad: Complete turnaround from yesterday. Today there is no bad. I think this scene will need some padding and maybe a little more exposition, but I like the way the dramatic tension worked out and, even though I went WAY OFF OUTLINE, I think that what did result works just as well, if not better. This is going to be a short chapter.
What's good: All of it. Mary is finally starting to open up, clues are coming out, and Sam is starting to put the pieces together. And I even got to put Ash in the story!
What pleases me: There are police cars, an ambulance and a whole circus of hangers-on lingering around the address that Mary had wheedled from the Michigan police. Mary drives past and pulls in around the corner before she gently shakes Sam out of his half-doze. He flails at her and she catches his wrist before he clocks her in the eye. "Sam," she says softly, her heart pinching at the confusion swimming across his face. The name Jim Miller and the man it represents mean nothing to her, but she regrets having to tell him anyway. "Sam…we're too late."

The dazed blurriness of Sam's face clarifies into sharp, sudden lines, but his eyes tell the real story even in the shitty yellow light of the streetlights, turning dark and wide and then narrow. John looked the exact same, she thinks distantly, the day they called to tell him his father had died.

Soft, Lillith's voice thinks contemptuously, louder than ever.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry, Mary thinks, fighting with the impulse to ruffle the puppy-dog mess of his hair. He's not a baby any more not matter how much she sees that same quiet and solemn infant in the young man in front of her.

What she says is, "What do you want to do?"

Previous parts can be found here

It's...a family thing. )
Another poor showing. I'm really concerned about the way I seem to be losing momentum. I'm going to Philly for Thanksgiving and I'm not sure what kind of time I'm going to have to write. If I'm going to make count and finish the frickin' story, I need to not lose focus now. I was going to say I don't know why it's so problematical, but I do know why. It's time to start drawing the threads together, building toward the denouement and that always takes more work than the parts where you're just writing whatever and letting the story go wherever it takes you. I have to mind the reins as well as the terrain.

29,803 / 50,000 words. 60% done!

Today's Word Count: 1,484
Current Total Word Count: 29,803
Estimated Total Word Count: ~100,000
What's bad: My word count. I just couldn't find the flow today, even though I had a good idea what I wanted to do with this scene. And I'm not sure I even accomplished that.
What's good: *headdesks* Is it bad that I just don't know? I don't hate this scene. I actually kind of like it, but I'm not sure it's serving my narrative purposes. It reminds me a lot of when I wrote "If You Let Me (I Could Love You To Death)", where Sam was SUPPOSED to tease Sam so much more and take advantage of his jealousy and then I just couldn't make him do it in the crunch. I feel like there should be more suspicion here, and instead, Sam turns around and decides to throw his lot in with Mary pretty wholeheartedly. Which...hmmm. I suppose that's doable. I don't know. It's too late to tell.
What pleases me: "No, Sam." She pushes off the car and turns to look at him. "You were right to question me. You were right." She rakes a hand through her hair, shaking it out through her fingers. "I mean, the reasons are different, but the end result is the same. I'm not a nice or a good person. I wasn't raised by nice or good people and I tried, Sam, I tried so hard to be someone different. I tried for your father and I tried for you boys, but I'm not. I'm just not. I'm just me. A not-so-great person who's done a lot of not-so-great things, trying to keep us all alive."

Sam blinks, not sure what she's driving at, not sure what to say. "Mom, what—"

"Sam. Are you listening to me? Sue-Ann…she bound the reaper to save Roy. To protect him. I'm not any better than Sue-Ann. I'm not any different. And the sooner you realize that, the better off we'll both be."

"Mom, I know who you are," Sam says slowly. "I don't think we could've spent my whole life on the road with you and not know who you are. You're the one that made Dean beat up kids that were mean to me, and the one that broke Mrs. Parker's nose when she tried to flunk me in algebra. I watched you face down a werewolf because Dean was hurt and couldn't run. I mean… Jesus, Mom, you're the scariest lady I've ever met in my life."

Previous parts can be found here

Just because I didn't kill her--them--doesn't mean I wouldn't've. )
Writing this, this year, has been such a different experience for me from previous NaNos. On the one hand, I see very clearly the things I want to do. More than just knowing how the plot goes, I have actual images. Gesture, expression, facial tics... I know the blocking of the scenes and--more or less--how they intersect. At the same time, actually hedging the words around my vision has been so excruciating. The window into the page has been flimsy and fragile, apt to dump me out at strange times, mute and frustrated. And, of course, there's the lingering fear that the vision itself is faulty and the end product will be a forgettable piece of go se that no one but me (and maybe [ profile] baileytc will care about. *laughs*

28,319 / 50,000 words. 57% done!

Today's Word Count: 2,793
Current Total Word Count: 28,319
Estimated Total Word Count: ~100,000
What's bad: I feel better about this scene than I did when I started it (thank you, [ profile] technosage), but the end of it definitely needs work. I rushed it and it needs some filling in. Other than that, I think it actually went pretty well for as far AU as it went. I was really afraid that I wouldn't be able to bring Mary around to the righteous indignation she needed to be able to act against one of her own, but I think it actually did, without me having to steamroll at all. It's funny, because Mary is totally a made up character at this point, but I see a little bit of canonical Dean in Mary, which is kind of a hoot and makes me think that I'm doing SOMETHING right with her characterization.
What's good: Mary. I love the way she went from reluctantly confronting Sue-Ann to the moral impetus to bring the situation to a close. I love that she has a moral impetus, whatever Sam might think.
What pleases me: "I ask again: would it have made a difference?" She holds out her hand, ushering Mary into the seat across from hers. The room doesn't look like it's used all that often, but there's no mustiness and only the faint lemony reek of polish. Mary guesses it's probably only used for Sunday's dinners. It isn't often that she lets herself indulge in might-have-beens, but here, with another McCoy for the first time in decades, she feels a vague sense of longing for her own house and all the Sunday dinners she'd dreamed of and never gotten to have.

"No," Mary admits grudgingly, taking the seat. The aging wood is covered with a crocheted cushion that doesn't really ameliorate the hardness of the chair. "Probably not." Sue-Ann makes a pleased, subvocal noise, sitting back in her chair. "You still should have told me."

Sue-Ann snorts. "You've been away too long. That's hardly the McCoy way."

Previous parts can be found here

Let's not pretend to be morally outraged now, Lillith. )



August 2009

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